ITS CPU TIME AGAIN. If you haven’t figured it out by now, or are just plain dumb, I’m gonna let you in on a little *leans in real close* secret. CPU stands for cool person update. If none of this makes any sense, just know I stayed up till five AM trying to rub this one out. Here’s my CPU, you sexy little bastard.
Drawing > Writing! & The Clown I Keep Around…
love drawing,
love getting messy,
love touching,
hate writing.
The thing is, If I don’t like some art I’ve made, I can cut it up and turn it into something else real quick. I’m free to move the pieces around and glue stuff together. I can rip it apart. I can even throw it in the garbage if I want. I sit at my crumb-ridden desk, next to my little turquoise trash can, knowing that I can throw anything in it, or pull anything out of it at any time (nothing is safe). My desk is my favorite place to be because when I’m sitting there I am like a God. When I’m there I feel like I can start over at any moment, with what I have in front of me. I can look at something, see good in it, and use that to create something even cooler. I want writing to be like that too.
If you don’t know, I’ve made a pact with myself to write + draw every day. I’m married to these two things (in the most sacred way) and I want to figure out how I can make a beautiful life with them.
If I could describe my relationship with writing I would say it’s like a creepy little clown troll. I run after it like a freak maniac, slobbering and panting. It’s a fast little fucker, and I need it so bad. I want to make it my own. I want to scrub off its queer little makeup. I want to put it in a cage. It needs a leash and some nice little boots. I’ll drag it along behind me, just out of step, just out of sight. I want to be sure that I am the first thing that you see when i’m stompin around, not it. I want you to think I’m cool and real with my little troll on a leash.
“LOok what I’ve conquered!”
At the end of the day, we’d go home and it’d say something like
“Listen, I know you done got a’hold of me, but please-!” After some time, I agree to hear it out and it agrees to stick around. It says it likes the way I make cherpumple, but “I can’t be on your leash no more” it begs. “I like wearing my weird little makeup, I think it’s sexy… and so do you. let me go and I’ll promise to stick by you and be your friend, but we gotta walk side by side this time. No leash. People have to know that we like each other weird…”
In other words, I enjoy the physicality of making. I like being able to touch things and move them around. I like to see things from different perspectives, and in different spaces. It’s hard to do that when you're just reading words on a screen. Everything feels like it needs to be postured a certain way, or presented with a certain level of prose and cleverness. Uniformity and tradition can be helpful, but it also gives me a tummy ache. I feel pressured to make sense. I want to deliver the perfect essay, like a good little girl. I want my good job sticker, and my A+ real bad :(
What do I do now? I crumble my perfect essay up, and throw it into my little turquoise trashcan. I’m giving up on the idea of an ideal personal essay. I want to make things less personal, and more inclusive. From now on I’m going to trust that things will make sense in their own way. I want to pursue something that feels authentic to me. This means that, from now on, you’ll find me parading the streets, just me and my little troll thing, offbeat, and out of stride, together.
I’m going to try and bring writing into the analog space, where it’ll be subject to that same visual scrutiny as palpable art. Maybe I’ll try storyboarding or something. I’ll let you know what ends up happening. *&^@%#^^&(+++
Music For the Moment ;>}
Frank Ocean Cayendo//Nights - Sango Remix is literally the best thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I absolutely do not give a fuck about anything else. If I can shake my ass, as well as tweak out a lil bit at the same time that’s how I know it’s slapping.
You And Me - Rockie Robbins “So say you’ll be mine, together we will open every door.” imagine this playing in the background as I take wide-mouth-open shots of myself on every escalator in Chicago. <3
Homeshake - CD Wallet Shoegaze album??? + some distorted guitar stuff which I enjoy. It was a good listen. I really like Homeshake’s vocals in this specific context, From “love is only a feeling” to this, makes sense. It’s a good end-of-winter type beat.
I’ve been eating good food, making good art… smiling, and crying a little bit too. I live in a beautiful place and I see beautiful things in wonderful people. If I were you I would love deeply, live kindly, and be a friend to something you enjoy, before it’s too late.
Signing out,
T.H.
😭😡👍🏻💽🌐📿
What a beautiful love letter to one of the best parts of humanity